This island looks like a crocodile. Or the crocodile looks like an island?

Maafkanlah aku, kekasihku

Tak pernah sedetikpun pernah terlintas di hatiku dan benakku bahwa cinta yang kupersembahkan padamu akan membuat hatimu galau.

Tak akan pernah aku ingin cintaku melukai hatimu.

Tak akan pernah kuinginkan kehadiranku dalam hidupmu membuat segalanya kacau.

Tak pernah kuinginkan itu.

Justru yang kunginkan adalah cinta yang kurasakan dalam hatiku untukmu akan membuat hidupmu lebih indah, lebih berwarna, lebih bermakna.

Seperti yang pernah kukatakan kepadamu bahwa aku mencintaimu karena cinta ini membuat hidupku lebih berarti. Aku mencintaimu karena aku BUTUH mencintai seseorang dalam hidupku ini. Dan engkaulah yang terpilih oleh Dewi Amor untukku.

(tahukah engkau kekasihku, karena engkaulah aku serasa terlahir kembali menjadi seorang pecinta yang romantis, seseorang yang lembut penuh kasih, seorang penulis yang kreatif untuk selalu menulis email cinta untukmu, puisi cinta untukmu, dan kemudian artikel-artikel yang ku-post di blogku. Karena engkaulah semua itu tercipta! Karena cintaku padamu!)

Untukmu, tak pernah terlintas untuk menjadi seorang kekasih yang egois,yang hanya menginginkanmu untukku semata.

Aku mencintaimu karena:

1. cinta ini membuat hidupku lebih berarti

2. aku BUTUH mencintai seseorang

3. ada saat-saat tertentu dalam hidupku ini yang akan selalu kunanti denga penuh gairah (bertemu denganmu, untuk sekedar menatapmu, berbincang denganmu, berdiskusi denganmu, tertawa mendengar leluconmu, merengut mendengar godaanmu, sampai dengan merasakan degup jantungku yang tak beraturan karena bersentuhan denganmu, dan berciuman denganmu)

4. mendapatkan penggemar artikel-artikel yang telah berhasil kutulis dan ku-post di blog, juga penggemar puisi-puisi cinta (yang telah ku-post di blog) yang terlahir karena besarnya rasa cintaku kepadamu

5. duniaku terasa lebih indah setelah kehadiranmu dalam hidupku (betapa langit begitu terlihat biru menawan, sinar matahari kota Semarang yang biasanya menyengat menjadi terasa hangat menyentuh kulit, betapa kemacetan yang biasanya membuat orang bete justru membuatku nikmat, betapa kicauan burung terdengar lebih merdu, dll)

6. aku merasa begitu mempesona karena ada seorang Lelaki Terindah sepertimu membuatku merasa dipuja (engkau selalu membuatku merasa “adorable” setiap kali berada di sampingmu dengan caramu memandangku, dengan sentuhanmu, dengan ciumanmu yang senantiasa membuatku melambung ke awan)

7. aku merasa seperti terlahir kembali, karena hanya padamulah aku menemukan indahnya perpaduan antara cinta dan nafsu. (ingatkah engkau, sayangku, setahun yang lalu aku mengatakan kepadamu in you I found the perfect mixture of love and passion, one thing that I have never experienced before. Selama ini aku tumbuh menjadi seseorang yang berpikir bahwa cinta dan nafsu adalah dua hal yang berbeda dan tak memiliki hubungan yang harmonis. LOL. Jadi ingat sebuah puisi yang kutulis untukmu beberapa minggu yang lalu.

tatkala aku menginginkan tubuhmu
untuk kucumbu
aku pun bertanya
cinta kah
nafsu kah
yang memenuhi rasa
dalam dada

tak perlu lagi aku bertanya seperti dalam puisiku ini kan, karena cinta dan nafsu itu telah melebur menjadi satu dengan begitu indah dan sempurna dalam hatiku, untukmu, karena hanya engkaulah yang mampu membuatnya menjadi begitu.

8. aku bisa sedikit ngirit uang makan siang karena hanya cukup mengenangmu aku sudah merasa kenyang LOL

9. aku menjadi lebih rajin membaca buku (baca aku bisa menambah wawasanku karenanya) untuk mencari ide agar aku bisa mampu menulis email untukmu. Well, sayangku, agar engkau selalu menikmati membaca email-emailku, aku harus selalu kreatif tatkala menulis email untukmu kan?

10. aku menjadi orang yang lebih ramah kepada lingkungan (dengan “penyakit” yang kuderita I-SEE-YOU-IN-EVERYONE Syndrome, membuatku lebih rajin tersenyum kepada orang yang kutemui (terutama yang tiba-tiba di mata belorku ini nampak sepertimu. LOL)

11. aku menjadi lebih rajin pergi ke fitness center untuk berolah raga agar tubuhku selalu sehat. AKU INGIN HIDUP SERIBU TAHUN LAGI UNTUK MENCINTAIMU

Oh Tuhanku, betapa memang aku egois dengan cintaku padamu. Dari kesebelas alasan mengapa aku mencintaimu, semua bermuara kepada diriku ini. SEMUA UNTUK KEBAIKANKU SENDIRI. Yang mana untukmu?

Namun kekasihku, adakah orang yang mencinta yang tidak egois?

(Mungkinkah engkau akan bertanya padaku, “Mengapa jumlahnya sebelas Nana sayang?” well, aku sendiri tak tahu. Bagaimana kalau jawabanku adalah “Karena pemain sepak bola ada sebelas orang dalam satu regu.” Sepak bola adalah olah raga kesukaanmu kan?)

Tatkala engkau memberitahuku bahwa cintaku padamu, tanpa kusadari, telah membuat hidupmu kacau, betapa aku sangat terluka mendengarnya. Mataku tak bisa kupejamkan barang sedetikpun selama dua hari dua malam ini setelah membaca emailmu. tak mampu aku melakukan sesuatu pun dengan benar, karena kata-kata yang kau tulis di email itu selalu terbayang di pelupuk mataku. Aku begitu menyesal telah melakukan kesalahan yang bodoh itu (sumpah kekasihku, aku tak menginginkan kekacauan itu terjadi!!!)

Yang kuinginkan adalah seandainya ada saat-saat dimana engkau merasa hidupmu tak berarti, ingatlah bahwa engkau telah membuat hidup seseorang (baca AKU) menjadi lebih indah, seandainya engkau mengalami saat-saat dimana engkau merasa tak seorang pun menginginkanmu, ingatlah bahwa ada seseorang (baca AKU) yang akan selalu menginginkanmu, mencintaimu sampai akhir hidupnya. (Oh well, meskipun sampai sekarang aku masih percaya kata-kata Agus Noor dalam cerpennya yang berjudul “Nocturno” Cinta, barangkali seperti merpati di topi tukang sulap. Muncul begitu saja, dan kita terpana melihatnya. Dan hanya termangu ketika ia mendadak lenyap entah ke mana ... jika berkenaan denganmu, aku merasa bahwa aku akan mencintaimu sampai akhir hidupku. Apa peduliku jika engkau akan berkata kepadaku, “Nana sayang, mengapa kamu begitu terdengar gombal di email kali ini?”D)

Jawabannya adalah aku sedang latihan menulis dalam bahasa Indonesia. LOL. Ah, jadi ingat salah satu dosenku yang mengatakan bahwa ketika kita mengatakan kepada seseorang, “Aku cinta padamu sayangku” terdengar begitu gombal (karena menggunakan bahasa Indonesia!) sedangkan kalau kita menggunakan bahasa Inggris, “I love you honey” terdengar begitu romantis. LOL. Well, tentu saja karena dia adalah dosen Linguistik Bahasa Inggris.

Tentu kamu ingat, selama ini aku belum pernah berhasil menulis email untukmu dalam bahasa Indonesia. Kalau pun di paragraf pertama aku menulis dalam bahasa nasional kita, paragraf berikutnya aku selalu melanjutkannya dalam bahasa Inggris, karena terdengar (atau terbaca? LOL) gombal bangettt! LOL.

Oh kekasihku, akhirnya aku telah sampai ke akhir emailku setelah berulang kali aku disibukkan dengan error-error yang disebabkan oleh Windows komputer tersayangku. Aku harus segera mengakhirinya sebelum terjadi error lagi yang mungkin akan menyebabkan file ini hilang tanpa jejak.

dengan segenap rasa cintaku padamu,
N
N.B. :Nana sedang latihan menulis dalam Bahasa Indonesia. LOL. Maklum biasanya nulis dalam Bahasa Inggris. LOL.

I am wondering if there is love without jealousy?

The following short conversation happened between my fourteen-year-old daughter and me.
Angie: Mama, I heard that in China and Russia there is no rich people? Everybody’s financial condition is average?
Nana: Yes, honey. They apply socialist belief proposed by some socialist thinkers, like Karl Marx. The government has policy to limit the riches of the people, not very rich people, nor very poor people.
Angie: Don’t you think it is nicer there than in Indonesia, Mama?
Nana: (sigh) Well, honey, probably it is nicer there for us, who are not rich. The rich people in our country will have different opinion, I am sure.

The following short conversation happened between two colleagues of mine.
Lucky: See the condition in Indonesia nowadays. Everything is messy. Many children suffer from bad nutrition, the price of gasoline soars crazily, it results in poor people almost cannot afford to buy daily needs, violence happens here and there. Don’t you think that the condition under Soeharto era was much more comfortable?
Annie: Well, I suppose the condition under Soekarno was much better than Soeharto. Everybody was poor. (Well, she referred to the accusation that Soekarno was the protector of Communist Party. Communist policy is not much different from Socialist that everybody is not allowed to be very rich coz it will engender social gap. Social gap will cause social unrest. Social unrest will result in the down of the government.)

Some days ago, when I got flat tyre, I took my motorcycle to a garage. I saw an old man driving a pedicab. I sighed. Such an old man is supposed to enjoy his old age by staying at home, watching his grandchildren grow up. But recently after the soaring price of gasoline in Indonesia, nobody hasn’t complained about the price of daily needs. Some people even cannot buy rice to eat. I believe this old man still has to work hard in his old age to make his ends meet. Sometimes perhaps he will only get Rp. 10000,00 (around US$ 1) per day.
At the same time, I remembered an ex private student of mine who happened to have a very rich husband. She treated me dinner several times some months ago. For one dinner, she had to spend Rp. 300000,00 (around US$ 30) for both of us.
What an irony.
And Indonesian government is even busier to take care of regulation to arrange how women should dress, walk, and move in public rather than to think the way out how to help the needy, to reduce the financial gap among its citizens.

I have three good friends who happen to have similar names; Julie, Yuli, and Yulia.
I know Yuli the longest, since 1996 though we started to be close in 1999. I am not really good in socializing with people, I suppose, so when I am close with someone, and feel comfortable and secure with her, I become very dependent on her. There was really some time in 1999-2000 when I felt very dependent on Yuli, always wanted to talk to her about my problems, or any other thing. Yuli is a very nice person so that many people in our workplace like her. My being dependent on Yuli sometimes came to an extent that made me jealous when she was “occupied” by someone else while I still wanted to confide in her.  Gradually, I knew that I couldn’t really depend on her anytime I have things to talk about.
I knew Yulia in 1999 when the first time she was accepted at the workplace where I work. She is really good at mingling with people. Not long after she arrived, I became close to her, and felt comfortable too to be with her. Well, perhaps coz of Yulia’s coming in my life, I reduced my dependency on Yulia. 
I knew Julie in 2000 but we started to be close to each other in 2002 when both of us continued our study out of town, in a city called Yogya, taking the same major—American Studies. I spent most of my time with Julie due to that. However, when visiting my hometown, Semarang, of course, I still spent some time to be with Yuli and Yulia.
In 2003, Yulia moved out of town, to follow her husband who was taking specialist. I felt something missing, of course, coz Bandung was located quite far from both Yogya and Semarang. But I still had Yuli and Julie.
In September 2004, Yuli married her online lover, from Holland. Though happy for her coz she found her true love, I couldn’t deny the fact that I felt unhappy too. I would “lose” her.
I really felt very unhappy when a year after that, October 2005, Yuli sent me a message telling me that she was already in Jakarta, ready to leave for Holland. I was crying, and she didn’t know, of course. How selfish I was. Though we still keep in touch via emails, it is still different when she is really here with me.
And today, Julie got a new job that made her move out of town, Malang. The same bitter feeling came to me, as when Yuli was about to leave for Holland. But of course this is the hardest coz both Yulia and Yuli had left, and Julie was the last one. And perhaps coz Julie shared the same interest with me—feminism, though she didn’t claim herself as a feminist, like me—we often got involved in a very interesting discussion; one thing that I hardly can get from my other workmates.
Some days ago when I felt so down in the dumps coz finding a woman who considered me as her soul mate betrayed me, I realized how valuable good friends are for me. I found that writing articles to post in my blogs and writing in my diary were not enough. I needed to talk to a good friend who could console me, to appease the anger and revenge in me, to “force” me to use my common sense in facing that betrayal. I was so grateful at that time to have Julie in my life.
And now Julie is also going to leave me soon.
I am so unhappy in one side of my heart, I cannot deny it, though of course I was happy to know that she at last got what she has always dreamt of—to be a civil servant.

When women become a criminal only coz of wearing “open” clothes—under accusation to turn on men’s desire when looking at their sexy body, why is there no law saying that men are allegedly guilty for abusing women by staring at women, or whistling at them or saying something abusive to women who don’t wear “open” clothes?
I was brought up in a very religious family, sent to an Islamic elementary school, indoctrinated that women’s body is the source of sin, that women can become the cause of the fall of men to hell due to women’s sinful sexy body. (Similar to the fall of Adam to this mortal world coz Eva gave in to Satan’s trick to eat “khuldi” (this is how Al-Quran named it)—the forbidden fruit in heaven.) Because of that, women are supposed to cover their source-of-sin body in order that men will not get aroused.
After I grew up (I always consider myself as a rebel), I started to wonder why all mistakes are put on women’s shoulder? Why is there no punishment for men who cannot control their lust?
Since knowing feminism, and got answers of my lots of questions (due to the gender bias in Islam) when I was a kid or teenager, I came to the conclusion that if women can control their lust (women are just human beings, like men, they have lust too!) when seeing naked men’s body, men are supposed to be able to control their lust too and not abuse any woman they want. I completely agree with Fatima Mernissi, a Muslim feminist Morocco saying, “If the rights of Muslim women become problems for a group of Muslim men, this is not engendered by Al-Quran or Islam itself, but this is caused by the different interpretation resulting in contradictory interpretation opposing the want of a group of elite Muslim men.”
Btw, some months ago, I had a middle-aged private student who was outstandingly pretty. We often took a walk for sightseeing or had lunch in a downtown mall. Contradictory from me that mostly wear my “uniform” (long black dress and black blazer—I am not an Amish nor Quaker though LOL) this student of mine loved wearing “sexy” clothes. The first time we went to have lunch, I felt very disturbed and annoyed by men who stared at her greedily. It sometimes made me want to throw my thick-heeled shoes to those men’s eyes! Later on, I realized, that not only her “sexy” clothes attracted those men with greedy eyes, she in fact also showed “inviting” body language to those guys. No wonder she didn’t feel abused. She herself invited those guys to abuse her.
As a feminist that believes women can do anything they like, as long as they enjoy it and not harm other people, I think it is okay for her to do that. However, as someone with very religious upbringing when I was a kid, I still sometimes didn’t understand why the hell that private student of mine attracted men’s attention demonstratively despite her outstanding beauty. Her beauty only was already enough to attract people’s attention. So, when she wore sexy clothes and showed inviting body language, it was just very understandable if then those guys with greedy eyes “abused” her. (Oh well, she herself didn’t feel abused. She felt flattered. LOL)
On the contrary from this flirt, LOL, I never show any inviting body language, I never wear any open clothes to attract men’s attention. I never feel ready to get abuse. Does it mean, then, I never get abused? Unfortunately, the answer was SOME GUYS WITH GREEDY EYES STILL ABUSE ME, by staring at me indecently, whistling at me, smiling at me abusively, etc.
The conclusion? SOME (or many?) MEN ARE INDEED BIG SHIT.
Recently, in Indonesia there has still been a very “poignant” debate about pornography bill where it states that women are not allowed to wear body-hugging, tight and “open” clothes coz it will cause men to get aroused. A woman will be punished if she unintentionally/intentionally turns on men in public, by wearing “sexy” dress, for example. Why is there no statement that men will be put into jail when they cannot repress their lust in public?
I prove it myself that although I mostly wear clothes covering all over my body (except my head), it still doesn’t stop men to try to abuse me. Who can guarantee that issuing such a bill will stop sexual abuse? Something wrong is not in what women wear, or how women walk and move, not in women’s voice, but in men’s mind!

An Obstacle
Charlotte Perkins Gilman
(1860-1935)

I was climbing a mountain path
With many things to do,
Important business of my own,
And other people’s too,
When I ran against a Prejudice,
That quite cut off the view,

My work was such as could not wait,
My path quite clearly showed,
My strength and time were limited,
I carried quite a load;
And there that hulking Prejudice
Sat all across the road.

So I spoke to him politely,
For he was huge and high,
And begged that he would move a bit
And let me travel by.
He smiled, but as for moving! –
He didn’t even try.

And then I reasoned quietly
With that colossal mule:
My time was short—no other path—
The mountain winds were cool.
I argued like a Solomon;
He sat there like a fool.

Then I flew into a passion,
And I danced and howled and swore;
I pelted and belabored him
Till I was stiff and sore,
He got as mad as I did---
But he sat there as before.

And then I begged him on my knees,
I might be kneeling still
If so I hoped to move that mass
Of obdurate ill-will—
As well invite the monument
To vacate Bunker Hill!

So I sat before him helpless,
In an ecstasy of woe—
The mountain mists were rising fast,
The sun was sinking slow—
When a sudden inspiration came,
As sudden winds do blow.

I took my hat, I took my stick,
My load I settled fair,
I approached that awful incubus
Win an absent-minded air—
And I walked directly through him,
As if he wasn’t there!

In her poem entitled “Obstacle” as you can read above, Gilman explained women’s struggle to achieve equality with men in a very vivid illustration. In the first stanza, she symbolized ‘a mountain path’ as the ‘road’ a woman has to pass through to reach that equality. We know that it is quite a hard thing to do to climb a mountain, compared to when we walk on a flat road. Moreover, when we are burdened with many things to do, important business of my own, and other people’s too. This woman, or perhaps we can refer her to Gilman herself, walks through that hard way, bringing with her many things, not only for herself. She does that also for her folk—other women who believe that women are born equal to men. However, in the middle of her way, a Prejudice thwarts her effort. Prejudice here refers to patriarchal society—both men and women—who believe that women are the second sex.

Second stanza strengthens the first, that Gilman’s effort to reach equality was not an easy thing to do, moreover with her limited time and strength. We are not Highlanders that can live hundreds or thousands years, are we? Our time and strength to live in this world is limited. Prejudice made her struggle harder coz he hindered her journey.

Third and fourth stanza illustrate the first thing Gilman did to continue her journey; that is to talk to Prejudice politely, quietly, trying to use her common sense, to convince Prejudice about the importance of her effort. The Prejudice seemed to listen to her, but he didn’t do anything to approve her intention, to continue her journey.

The fifth stanza showed Gilman using a more daring effort, to challenge the Prejudice in a sort of duel. It still didn’t work, though.

Feeling exhausted, Gilman changed her trick. The sixth stanzas illustrated Gilman’s way; no longer logical arguing nor haphazard anger. She begged the Prejudice on her knees, to ask for his pity on her. The seventh stanza showed that Gilman almost lost hope, so I sat before him helpless, in an ecstasy of woe-- . However, in the middle of her hopelessness due to the limited time and unfriendly weather, Gilman got a brilliant idea, when a sudden inspiration came, as sudden winds do blow. She depicted it in the last stanza of her poem. she stood up from her kneeling, prepared herself with all her loads and continued her journey. She concluded her effort in the richest last two lines: And I walked directly through him, as if he wasn’t there! She went on her effort, continued her journey, just ignored the Prejudice, considered him not exist. She eventually realized, for ages men have done whatever they wanted to do, ignoring their fellow human creatures—women. For ages women have been considered not exist. Therefore, it is just fair if women do exactly the same thing, ignore the existence of their fellow human creatures—men. Do what we think the best for us, for our betterment, for our own future.

Women, my dearest folk, be confident to do things you like for your own betterment, for your future. Wish you all the best luck.

Love,
Nana

Dedication of the Cook
Anna Wickham
(1884-1947)

If any ask why there’s no great She-Poet,
Let him come live with me, and he will know it:
If I’d indite an ode or mend a sonnet,
I must go choose a dish or tie a bonnet,
For she who serves in forced virginity
Since I am wedded will not leave me free;
And those new flowers my garden is so rich in
Must die for clammy odors of my kitchen.

We all know that one good impact of the second wave of women’s movement in 1960s is the “awakening” of women writers. Many literary works written by women writers in the previous decades and centuries have been dug out again and republished so that they can be read again by the following generation of readers. Some names ‘resurrected’ by this women’s movement, for example, are Charlotte Perkins Gilman, Kate Chopin, Anna Wickham, etc. Those names, then, accompanied some other women writers who have been long acknowledged before, such as Jane Austen, George Eliot, Emily Dickinson, etc.
As one proof that women critics are serious to boost women’s works is the publication of The Norton Anthology of Literature by Women by Sandra Gilbert and Susan Gubar as the company of The Norton Anthology of American Literature, The Norton Anthology of English Literature, and some other anthologies published by W.W. Norton & Company, Inc.
It is indeed undeniable that the impact of women’s movement is more and more women have career outside home, not just become the angel of the house, or the doll of the house. More and more women are economically independent. They can choose any profession they are attracted to do, and not just be a homemaker, doing household chores, ranging from cooking, sewing, cleaning the house, doing the laundry, until serving the husband. They have more time to do anything they like.
If this is related to the first stanza of Wickham’s poem above, it is understandable why in the past women couldn’t become a great poet, such as William Wordsworth from England, or Walt Whitman from America; couldn’t become a great dramatist such as William Shakespeare. In the past, most women were busy doing the “burden” given to their shoulder, such taking care of their children to prepare them as the good following generation to lead the country, cooking the best food coz the children needed good nutrition, taking care of their husband who were busy doing their business outside home. How could they have time to write good poems or plays or novels? We know that great women writers such as George Eliot, the Bronte’s sisters, and Emily Dickinson were never married during their lifetime.
In this twenty first century, where writing is no longer exclusively “occupied” by men, I am pretty sure that there will be more and more women writers born. In her A Room of One’s Own, Virginia Woolf stated that “Books continue each other.” There will be no more “mainstream” literature defined by men only. No more women need to use male pseudonym (just like George Eliot or the Bronte’s sisters) only to make their writings accepted by society.
For myself, thanks to blog technology that has made me a writer.

Some weeks ago when substituting a friend to teach her class, I interviewed the students how many children their parents have. Two students attracted me coz they said that their parents have five children. In this era, after the success of family planning program, to have children more than three is considered a big family. The funny thing is one student said that the four children were boys and the youngest was a girl; while the other student was contradictory, the four children were girls, and the youngest was a boy.
Well, one proof of the success of family planning program in Indonesia, besides that people now have a big tendency to have only two and maximally three children in one family, regardless the sex, people do not really mind whether they only have daughters or sons. This is especially in Java island, the most populated island in Indonesia.  FYI, Javanese people do not use family name behind their name. Although, well in the case I wrote in the above paragraph, it is not really so. Jokingly, I talked to the students that their parents wouldn’t stop “producing” babies before they got the baby they wanted, a boy or a girl.  To some “old-fashioned” people, I assume that people still want to have children with the two sexes, male and female. 
However, I still remember some years ago, I interviewed a student who is from Batak, an ethnic group in Indonesia where the people use family names behind their names. To Batak people, having a baby boy is important, to continue the family name coz after getting married, a woman no longer uses her own family name from her father, but uses the family name from her husband. This absolutely creates a lot of gender-biased problems. For example, a woman is not treated well only coz she cannot give the husband a baby boy; or a man feels that he deserves to have another wife only to have a baby boy; a baby girl is not treated as well as a baby boy coz this baby girl later on cannot pass on the family name to the grandchildren.
I told this student that nowadays women could keep their family name when they want it after they get married. They do not always have to leave their family name behind and use the family name from their husbands instead. Convention on the Elimination of All Forms of Discrimination Against Women (CEDAW) 16:1g stated that women have equal right with men to choose a family name, be it the family name they got from their parents (either the father or the mother), or from their husband.
This convention guarantees a family name will not disappear although a family doesn’t have a son. With this, a woman will not be forced to “produce” a lot of babies before she can “give” a baby son to her husband only to pass on the family name to his offspring.
NOTE: Indonesia is one of many countries that has ratified this convention. (Source: Rights of Women: A Guide to the Most Important United Nations Treaties on Women’s Human Rights, translated into Bahasa Indonesia in 2001 published by Yayasan Jurnal Perempuan).

I think I am really blind and unfamiliar with how sophisticated this technology called internet with its blogging facility.
Anyway, love to know that people out there really wander in blogland, and some drop by at my blog and read my posts. Some gave me encouraging comments while some others gave me a more critical response. I love all though.

It is really undeniable that internet technology has a lot of impacts in our life. The world that used to seem very wide, now seems much smaller. We can hear what has just happened in the other side of the world from where we live by reading many latest news we can access via internet every second. America is no longer so far away there since we can communicate with our relatives, family members, or friends living there with cheap media and very quickly via emailing or chatting.
I remember in 1999 my then online boyfriend said to me how he thanked with this sophisticated technology coz we met “virtually” everyday without spending much money—he came to Indonesia, or I went to America. We could adjust each other more comfortably too. However, one thing I remember his complaint was that he often felt irritated when chatting with many Indonesian girls coz they talked about sex most of the time. He said, “I suppose it’s all coz in Indonesia, sex is considered taboo to talk about openly. When someone talks about sex, people will easily judge him/her as “bad person”. Parents do not talk about sex with their children coz it is taboo. Their children then do not know where to find out information about sex. What happens next? Those teenagers will come to, perhaps, irresponsible resource, probably blue movies, porn magazines, and, Internet. Without right guidance, those teenagers will even get wrong information about sex. Honestly, I often feel fed up when chatting with Indonesian girls and they ask me about sex. It is really boring. You see? Before this, I always thought that Indonesia is a country based on religious teachings—especially Islam coz I know that the majority of Indonesian people are Muslim. See? Those young female chatters will even give bad impression on Indonesia. bla bla bla …” I don’t remember what else he said.
After being away from chatting world for about three years, I went back to IRC in 2004 during my spare time when writing thesis. One thing shocked me. It seemed to me that some local channels became a place where people were looking for boys/girls for dates. Besides, there was a tendency to generalize all chatters to do the same thing, to look for short time dates, or one-night-stand dates. Consequently, the impression that cyber cafes are places to do filthy/immoral/indecent activities cannot be avoided. People then forget that there are INDEED many other advantages people can get via this so-called sophisticated technology. Chatting is not the only facility people can make use of when accessing internet. However, I can see that there is generalization for all cyber cafes customers—all are chatters looking for HOT DATES.
It’s all based on my own experience. In Yogya, the city where I pursued my Master’s Degree, I often went online in the café belonging to UGM. All customers were UGM students, of course. They went online, I believe, mostly was for their study, browsing data to help them do their assignments, though I am sure that many also had a chat. Nothing wrong with that. many reasons why people go chatting. My own reason at that time why I resumed chatting was I felt bored browsing data, reading them. Chatting was one fun activity for me.
After I went back to my hometown, Semarang, I resumed my habit, to go online at cyber cafes. Since November 2005, I have found a new “hobby”—blogging! This is my main reason why I often go online at cyber cafes, besides to check my mailboxes. I can spend hours to post articles in my blogs, to do some editing in the setting, or design, or configuration, to read my friends’ posts, write comments on their writings, etc. This is really exciting for me.
However, one thing bothered me. I just realized that some people I come across at the café look at me with “uninterpretable” look for me. The friendly parking man suddenly became so annoying to me when last Saturday he greeted me, “Go chatting mbak? No day without chatting for you, right? Do you need me to accompany you?” when I looked into his eyes, I saw an abusive look to me. Shit. Inside the café, there was one clerk looking at me with the same eyesight too, abusive. Shit. Shit.
It reminded me of my experience more than half a year ago when going on a bus, I read a book with not conspicuous title on the cover “Seksualitas”, a man sitting next to me gave me an abusive look too.
I don’t show any inviting body language. I don’t wear any invitingly “open” clothes. (FYI, mostly everywhere I go, I wear my long black dress, with black blazer, really covering my body.) What the hell made those guys gave me abusive look? Coz I was reading a book entitled “Seksualitas” without knowing what kinds of articles inside it? Coz I often go online in the cyber café and they consider me to look for HOT DATES without knowing what in fact I am doing inside?
I am wondering why we Indonesian people have disgraced ourselves by giving impression that internet is SOLELY related to filthy thing (read  sex)?
One thing I forgot to say, this abusive-look-thing didn’t happen to me during my stay in Yogya. Or was I too indifferent?

“Interpretasi hukum perkawinan yang timpang dalam UU perkawinan di Indonesia yang menyebutkan bahwa perempuan adalah ibu rumah tangga dan bukan pencari nafkah berimbas pada aturan ketenagakerjaan. Akibatnya perempuan dianggap hanya pencari nafkah tambahan, kerap menerima upah lebih rendah dari rekannya laki-laki dan tidak mendapat tunjangan.” (Jurnal Perempuan no 42 hal. 5)
(“Law of marriage in Indonesia states that women are housewife and not breadwinner. This results in the regulation of manpower matters where women are only considered as spare breadwinner, therefore they deserve to get paid lower than their fellow man workmates and not get the same fringe benefits.” Women Journal no 42 page 5)

This afternoon when discussing some questions about men’s and women’s jobs with my Intermediate 3 students, I found out how those teenagers have “ideal” world of equal pay for equal work. One question to be discussed was, “Do men get paid better than women?” None of them answered “yes” with almost similar reasons, “It depends on their skill, capability, experience, education.”
“That’s lovely, my dear students,” was my response. However, I want them to open their eyes that it is still utopia in many companies in Indonesia. What is the main reason? I think I can refer to my quotation above. Law of marriage in Indonesia still considers women only as homemakers, not supposed to be breadwinner. This law, then, is made use by many companies to feel deserved to give women lower salary than men coz “they are not supposed to be responsible with household necessities. Their husbands are.” How about for single women? single mothers? Or those wives whose husbands are unemployed? Or whose husbands are not responsible to provide their daily needs? Do those companies care for these women?
It is true that the reason for those women to work is money. To survive, people need money. When those women realize that they don’t get paid fairly (only coz of different sex), they cannot complain because if they complain, they will get fired. It is easy for the company to look for new employees due to the high rate of unemployment in Indonesia. Therefore, those women stay to work there, with unfair salary. Not much can be done so far for the betterment for women.
If those women are lucky to get fair amount of salary with their male counterpart, there is still one thing that will make women get lower amount. TAX! The regulation for paying salary tax determines that when a man is married, he will pay less tax. When he is married and has some children, he will even pay lesser tax. How about women? No matter whether a woman is married or not, having kid or not, this particular woman is still considered single. A married woman who has three children, let’s say, will pay tax as high as those single women!
Encouragingly, I talked to my female students, “Well, nowadays Non Government Organizations for women are still struggling to propose a fairer regulation in tax for women. Hopefully, later on when you graduate from college, you will be able to enjoy a more free gender-biased manpower matters so that you will not suffer from this unfairness.”

Some days ago, I had a talk with a good friend. We really feel fed up with the “nosy” nature of Javanese culture, or probably Indonesian culture. To see single people, we tend to ask them, “So, when will you end your living single? It is really unhappy to live single, isn’t it?” INDEED, it is not easy to live single in a marriage-oriented society like in Indonesia. Like it or not, if you are still single, moreover if you are more than thirty years old, people will besiege you that question. It doesn’t matter whether in fact you yourself don’t feel bothered with that. Your living single doesn’t bother you. Those people with that question do, though. Right?
After at last you get married, the following question asked to you is, “So, when will the baby come to your life? Marriage is absolutely not perfect without having any kid.” When you have been married for some years and no kids yet, those people will look at you pitifully. This will make you feel that there is something wrong with your life. I must admit that many people, especially who are already married, want to have babies—either to continue their generation, or to make them considered “complete” by society, or many other reasons. And as we all know not all people are fortunate to be able to have babies. Don’t people in our society realize that the question “When will you have a baby?” asked to those ‘unfortunate’ people even will make them feel bothered and more miserable? Where is our empathy?
After you have one baby, the following question is, “So, when will he/she have a younger sibling? Having one baby only is not enough, of course. You will make your baby lonely later.” And I think such a question is not asked to show courtesy, but to some extent, I come to the conclusion that it is really annoying coz interfering our business. It is not easy to have a baby/kid. We need much money to raise one with good nutritious food, good clothes, and the most important thing is good education to prepare his/her future. It is not cheap, is it?
After having more than one baby, perhaps people are not nosy anymore.
My good friend and I, in fact, were suspicious why they stop being nosy? Perhaps they think, “Gotcha!!! Now you share similar problems with me! It is not easy to live with a spouse and children. We’ve got to work hard to make ends meet. We’ve got to take care of our children so that they will grow up as “good” kids so that we will be considered as “successful parents”. Welcome to the real world!”
Why don’t we just care our own business and let other people live in peace with their choice? People are free to choose to live single, and be happy with it. Or to live with their spouse without any kid, and be happy with it.
Mind your own matter.

Living in Indonesia with so many commercials on media about what women are supposed to do to attract men, how to be considered “true women”, it is practically difficult for women to get rid of themselves from those bombardments. No matter we often hear wise statement that inner beauty is more important than just physical things. But, how many women are confident to be different? How many women are confident to think that living single is okay? To think that having children is not the sole goal to get married? To think that having plump bodies are attractive too? To think that pursuing career and study as high as we can is fine? Why should we limit ourselves only coz women are already married so that we must give the first priority to pursue career and study only to men? Should we, as women, stay home and deal with only “cooking, washing, and serving in bed” after getting married?
I very seldom watch TV coz I always find a lot of commercials ridiculous. I really don’t have a heart to see women—my folks—only have roles as a homemaker, as a cook, or attract the opposite sex only with their “long, straight, shiny hair” (the typical of beautiful hair in Indonesia nowadays) or with “white and spotless complexion” or make their husbands love them coz those women “provide the best menu at home” or “save money coz using some certain products” (don’t forget those women get their money from their husbands! That’s why they deserve to be praised when they can save money.)
If I happen to sit before a television when having meals with my only daughter, I cannot stop commenting until she complained, “Mama, will you stop commenting?” My response was, “Oh honey, I just hope that you will not grow with those silly ideas planted on your mind by those ridiculous commercials that you will attract boys only with your hair or complexion. I’d prefer you to attract guys with your brain, with your good nature.”
Again, do I sound a judgmental person again, thinking that people who value beautiful hair and complexion are just brainless? Ups …

After not joining any fitness and aerobics center for about four years, two days ago I reregistered myself to the fitness center I used to be the member in 2000-2002. Some reasons why I do it again; first, in my age approaching forty years, I believe that I really have to take care of my health more seriously than before. No doctor doesn’t suggest to do exercise to maintain health, do you agree? Second, of course I want to slim down my body again after my weight rose till more than 6 kilograms since I left this fitness center around four years ago. Well, it is not really scary number, is it? Only six kilograms. However, coz I am not really tall, that number shows a very significance impact on my body. Besides, the fat all over my body really made me feel uncomfortable to move, and of course also to look. LOL. I cannot wear my old clothes either. My jeans number 27 are idle now, inside the wardrobe. J I must admit that my busy schedule for studying in my Master’s Degree really made me not able to maintain my “healthy habit” to do exercise crazily. I am not an athlete but during those two years, 2000-2002 I could do aerobics or swim or fitness seven times a week. With a lot of assignments to read books, to make papers, to prepare some presentations I really couldn’t spare time to go swimming regularly. Moreover, I still had classes to teach, to augment my income, to make my ends meet, frankly speaking. :-D

Well, here I am, a member of fitness center again. I must say that I always feel reborn with my study; from a conventional woman with her “old-fashioned” way of thinking to be a radical feminist, a real deconstruct. In the past (read à before getting to know feminism ideology) I never felt ridiculous to try to follow the idea standard constructed by society (that a woman must be slim, pretty, weak, ladylike, feminine, smell good, LOL, graceful, just like those women in The Stepford Wives movie to make men “fresh” to see us, LOL, to attract their attention).

On the very first day I joined the aerobics again, I asked myself whether I did it to make my body healthy or in fact, I just want to conform to the social norm that a woman is supposed to be like what I have mentioned above? Well, I must be honest to myself. LOL. I looked at the other members of the fitness center. Some are around my age, I suppose, some are older, and many others are younger than I am. I have never asked them whether they join it to slim down their body for health reason or for appearance reason, to make men attracted to see them. LOL.

Well, if I relate it to the second wave of feminist movement in the 1960s America, most feminists encouraged women to really “leave” their previous “place”, home—with its cooking and doing laundry activities. They encouraged women not to look feminine. To be a homemaker was a despised thing to do for feminists in this era. It means, don’t try to follow those social norms that a woman was supposed to be gentle, weak, slim, pretty, wearing dress, graceful, etc. A “modern” American woman was supposed to look like men, wearing suit with trousers, bowtie, not dealing with household chores, and worked outside home professionally. And like men too, women were not supposed to be worried about the fat around their body. :-D They didn’t need to bother their outer appearance.

It does sound ridiculous now. A woman is supposed to have freedom to choose, right? They are free to decide whether they want to (still) look feminine, ladylike while at the same time pursue career outside. Or a woman is free to choose to stay home, taking care of children and husband, doing household chores without losing their “identity” as modern women. As known in multicultural feminism, in some ethnic groups, to be a homemaker is a luxury thing that not all women can get. For them, to be “modern” is to live idly at home while their husbands work to support their needs.

The appearance of four leading characters of serials The Sex and the City is the emergence of the modern feminists by the end of twentieth century. Different from their predecessors around four decades before, Carrie Bradshaw and her three good friends offered a new lifestyle. They are economically independent. They are hard-working women with very good career outside home. And they still look feminine.

Well, thinking about this, I became a bit relieved. LOL. Why should I care for this trivial thing? I joined the fitness center again to keep my body healthy, or merely to slim down my body to look more attractive. LOL. I will not lose my being feminist only by slimming down my body, right? LOL. Just take the positive side. If I can slim down my body, I can wear my “old” clothes that I have kept in the wardrobe for some time coz they no longer fit me. :-D

(Oh Nana, please be more mature? LOL.)

Why people go online?
“To fulfill what they lack in their real life. This cyber world offers a lot to them.” This was the answer of my online lover I had in 1999-2001.
No wonder if then we find a lot of people fake their identity, to “realize” their dream, that they are “someone they want to be if they can choose to be born again in this world”, including following the standard of “ideal” constructed by society. People who are already married sometimes want to say that they are still single coz they probably dream to be still single so that they are free to have new boyfriends/girlfriends again. People who are still single, but coz their age is considered to be mature enough to be married (again to follow society’s standard ideal of getting married at certain age bracket), perhaps they will say that they are already married. And these two kinds of people will live in their dream world, being happy in their imagination when going online before they go back to their reality and face the bitterness.
“What’s wrong with that?”
Of course there is nothing wrong with that as long as they don’t harm other people. Living in this harsh world, everybody has right to be happy, including if they have to live in “delusive world” behind cyber world’s screen. They just “harm” themselves coz such happiness doesn’t work for a long time. “At least, I can enjoy some time in this bitter life of mine,” perhaps will be their “weapon to answer.
Well is there long lasting happiness in this world, anyway?
I have a workmate, female, more than thirty years old, who is still single. My other workmates and I all know that she is really obsessed to marry a foreigner. We are not really sure though why she has such an obsession. We all agree that she is arrogant, view herself as better person than the others. (Ups … I don&