One day when teaching expressions on how to give suggestion to someone else, I asked my students to create a problem. After that, I asked a student to say his/her problem, and asked another student to give suggestion/advice.
One female student said, “My hair is wavy. I don’t like it. Can you suggest me how to make it straight?”
Before choosing another student to give a suggestion to that so-called problem, I asked her back, “Is that your real problem? Or just a made-up one?”
She answered, “It’s my real problem, Ma’am. You know that wavy hair is ugly. Straight hair is more beautiful.”
“Do you know why you came to such a conclusion? It is coz we are bombarded by many commercials on TV that beautiful hair is straight; that having wavy hair is not well-liked; that even your parents-in-law-to-be will refuse you only coz you have wavy hair; coz your boyfriend will leave you for another girl only for her long straight hair. The message is clear: YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL IF YOUR HAIR IS STRAIGHT. Why? So that you will buy their products that promise will make your hair straight.”
“But, Ma’am, don’t you agree that straight hair is more beautiful than wavy hair?” she protested.
“Have you ever heard that in 1980s having wavy, even curly hair was more well-liked? Many people went to beauty parlor to have their hair curled. It was totally on the contrary from the present days. In that decade, people thought that wavy or curly hair was more beautiful than straight one.”
The students were speechless to hear me say so. Well, all of my students were still around one or two years old when wavy and curly hair was popular. Not only in Indonesia at that time, I suppose, coz I remember the trendsetters for hair at that time were for example the singers from Duran Duran, or Bon Jovi.

*
Another occasion. I oral examined a female student. She has fair complexion. And she said to me, “I am lucky to have this fair complexion from both of my parents.”
“Why do you think that you are lucky?”
“Well, don’t you agree with me Ma’am that having fair complexion is more beautiful?”
“Yeah, but you are lucky having that fair complexion only in this era, and only in our country, coz people from other countries don’t give a damn whether someone has fair or dark complexion. People having dark complexion are also pretty. Many people in fact think that having dark complexion is exotic. By the way, have you ever heard that even in the 1980s Indonesia, having dark skin was more well-liked than having fair one coz in that decade people believed that dark meant sweet?”
She was dumbfounded to hear me say so.
*

Since the end of 1990s when many soap operas from Taiwan boomed in Indonesia, this phenomenon—that pretty means having fair complexion and long straight hair—has started to spread in Indonesia. Many good-looking actors and actresses with oriental faces and their fair complexion and straight hair became new idols here. And the result: many of them became new icons of beauty in Indonesia. During Soeharto and his New Order regime, there was strong repression for Chinese culture in Indonesia. After his regime was over, and the following presidents were more welcome with Chinese culture, especially during Gus Dur’s short presidency, this phenomenon made people more exposed to these Oriental things.
It is different from 1980s decade where western things were more popular. Farrah Fawcett was very beautiful with her wavy hair. Although FF had white complexion, Indonesian people at that time knew that we couldn’t become like FF coz she was American. So we only paid attention to her hair. However, those Oriental actresses are Asian, like us, not far different from us.
Capitalists saw it as a very good chance to make profit for them. To make their products sold out, they always made commercials related to these oriental things—such as to make their shampoo able to make hair straight (“Commercials are always silly, Mom, don’t take them to your heart.” my daughter said when I complained to watch those sucking commercials. LOL. ), their soap can enlighten someone’s complexion. They also produce more and more whitening products for skin with those silly clips, such as I mentioned above, “Your boyfriend will leave you for another girl who has straight hair coz yours is wavy.” “Your in-laws-to-be will reject you only coz of your wavy hair.” “Boys are never attracted to girls who have dark complexion.” “Your husband will leave you only coz of your dark complexion.” And many other ridiculous and silly topics.
And many students of mine who don’t have critical way of thinking yet, become the victims of those silly commercials. Many of them become inferior coz they don’t fulfill the standard of recent beauty—having fair complexion and long straight hair. And the capitalists make more and more profit. Besides, those producers of commercial clips have made many teenagers foolish (by thinking that boys are only attracted to girls with straight hair; that having straight hair is more favorable rather than having smart and critical mind; that boys are only attracted to physical beauty rather than inner beauty.)
23.16 260406

Seperti yang telah kukemukakan dalam artikelku yang berjudul “RUU APP?”, bahwa masalah yang paling mendasar dari mengemukanya RUU APP adalah cara berpikir laki-laki yang senantiasa memandang perempuan sebagai objek seksual. Ingin sekali lagi lewat artikel ini aku mengatakannya kembali. Terutama bagi seseorang yang telah berusaha mengirimkan komentarnya, tanpa menyebutkan identitas dirinya, hanya menyebutkan alamat blognya yakni di http://ruuapp.blogspot.com
Kalau orang-orang berpikir bahwa mereka-mereka yang tidak setuju dengan adanya RUU APP berarti mereka (termasuk aku di sini) pro pornografi dan pornoaksi, itu SALAH BESAR. seperti yang telah kutulis juga di artikel sebelum ini, apakah dengan menutupi seluruh tubuh perempuan, akan selesai permasalahan porno-pornoan ini? TIDAK. Karena yang porno itu tidaklah terletak pada tubuh perempuan, melainkan pada OTAK LAKI-LAKI yang selalu berpikir bahwa perempuan adalah objek seksual semata.
Dengan mengatakan, “Salahkan saja Tuhan yang telah menciptakan tubuh perempuan begitu indah untuk dinikmati”, itu berarti anda menunjukkan diri sebagai orang yang hanya berani melempar batu dan sembunyi tangan. Anda yang melempar batu dan tidak mau mengakui. Anda yang menikmati tubuh perempuan dengan mata jalang anda, tapi yang anda salahkan adalah Tuhan yang telah menciptakan perempuan. Anda yang tidak mampu mengontrol otak anda yang berpikiran ngeres, perempuan yang disalahkan. Anda yang salah namun mengambinghitamkan perempuan.
Apakah dengan menyeragamkan semua perempuan untuk memakai baju yang sama—menutupi seluruh tubuh mereka—akan menghentikan praktek perkosaan dan pelecehan seksual? TIDAK, selama otak laki-laki tetap ngeres. Justru, mereka akan semakin penasaran untuk melihat ada apa dibalik pakaian perempuan? Mereka akan semakin tertantang untuk mengetahui ada apa di balik tubuh yang ditutupi rapat itu.
Apakah dengan menjauhkan VCD-VCD BF maupun majalah-majalah porno itu dari rumah anda—dalam lingkup kecil—dan seluruh Indonesia—dalam lingkup besar—akan menyelesaikan semua permasalahan ini? TIDAK, selama laki-laki tidak berubah cara berpikir mereka untuk lebih menghormati perempuan; bahwa perempuan bukan makhluk yang hanya untuk dilecehkan.
Kita harus berusaha mencari jalan keluar untuk mengurangi praktek perkosaan dan pelecehan seksual, termasuk juga perdagangan perempuan dan anak-anak dari akarnya, bukan hanya sekedar memenjarakan kaum perempuan dengan adanya RUU APP itu, tapi tidak memenjarakan kaum laki-laki yang telah melecehkan kaum perempuan, atau pun kalau memenjarakan namun tanpa hukuman yang setimpal.
Tatkala ada tayangan-tayangan di televisi yang menunjukkan bagian-bagian tubuh yang bagi sebagian kaum laki-laki menjadi bernafsu, apakah yang salah si perempuan itu? TIDAK. Salahkan saja itu kaum kapitalis yang mengambil keuntungan dari para perempuan yang membutuhkan uang, dan itu mungkin satu-satunya cara mereka mencari uang. Karena kalau pun toh para perempuan itu menolak untuk tampil seperti itu di layar televisi, atau pun di mana saja, kaum kapitalis yang memiliki uang akan mencari perempuan-perempuan lain yang bersedia. Jangan salahkan kaum perempuan yang terpojok seperti itu, tanpa mengambil tindakan apa pun kepada mereka yang telah memproduksi tayangan seperti itu.
Jangan salahkan kaum perempuan yang dengan sangat terpaksa menjual tubuhnya untuk mencari sesuap nasi, karena kalau tidak ada konsumen—yang nota bene kaum laki-laki—mereka-mereka pun akan berhenti. Mereka ada karena kaum laki-laki yang brhidung belang itu ada.
Bacalah puisi di bawah ini yang kebetulan kudapatkan dari seorang teman, yang aku yakin sudah beredar bebas di internet.

Aku Pria Jalang
Dari Kumpulannya Yang Terbuang
Aku Kecantol Wanita Jalang
Demi Tubuhnya Kuhambur Uang
Gejolak Hasrat Nafsu Berpetualang
Membuat Masakan Di Rumahe Terasa Kurang
Aku Anak Manusia, Aku Anak Malang

Affairku Akhirnya Tercium Orang
Karir Sukses Akhirnya Hilang
Karena Ada Kelemahanku Yang Bisa Diserang
Semuanya Hancur Gara-gara Selembar Kutang
Kepada Siapa Aku Pantas Berang?
Semua Kesalahan Kulimpahkan Kepada Si Jalang
Tetapi Sebenarnya Godaan Si Wanita Jalang
Takkan Mempan Kalau Akunya Sendiri Tidak Jalang!
Kesadaran Selalu Datang Menjelang Petang
Kini Yang Ku-punya Tinggal Tulang
Tapi Sebelum Aku Berpulang
Aku Ingin Berpesan Kepada Sesama Hidung Belang !
Kiamat segera datang.......!!!!
Tobatlah mulai sekarang......

Dan juga puisi berikut ini yang dikirimkan oleh seorang teman untukku.

a womans prison is in the mind
a mans prison he will find
that pale yellow wallpaper around the room
helps the thoughts and helps to groom

flying free up in the air
looking at life so happy and fair
explosions of colour up high and below
red, blue, and green and even YELLOW.

Hidup ini akan lebih indah jika laki-laki perempuan saling menghormati, saling meyakini keberadaan masing-masing di dunia ini untuk saling melengkapi, dan bukan untuk satu pihak yang merasa lebih berkuasa untuk kemudian melecehkan pihak yang lain, memenjarakan satu pihak karena justru dialah yang tidak mampu mengontrol diri sendiri.
Thanks for your attention.
11.12 270406

I got the following poem from a friend from England. He told me that he got the idea from reading some posts of mine in my blog. (Thanks for the lovely poem, Pete )

a womans prison is in the mind
a mans prison he will find
that pale yellow wallpaper around the room
helps the thoughts and helps to groom

look outside at the sun and rain
we need them both like wheat and grain
food for thought we have within
let it out to stop decayin

flying free up in the air
looking at life so happy and fair
explosions of colour up high and below
red, blue, and green and even YELLOW.
It is a lovely poem, do you agree? My favorite stanza is the second stanza where he wrote that "each person has the truth inside". It means what both men and women say are equally meaningful. Also the fourth stanza where he said "women and men must live together". Women and men indeed complete each other. That's what God created men and women for. This I also agree.
My question is even in the first two lines of the first stanza, "a woman's prison is in the mind ... a man's prison he will find ..." why not equal?
What made him say that a woman's prison is in the mind? While men's prison doesnt exist yet, that's why he will find it (later).
As a feminist, I will say that why women's mind is the prison is caused by what men have indoctrinated women for ages that women are sumbissive. A woman will keep questioning, on her mind, why this male-dominated world is so cruel, why men always want do be dominant.
Men are of course not imprisoned by anybody, in any culture in this world. They will "imprison" themselves if they are willing to do so. If not? Of course not at all.
Talking about men's tendency to be polygamous, this is what one of my workmate complained to me some time ago, I told her that I dont believe in such a thing--that men have tendency to be polygamous so that we women must understand that. Men who say so are just irresponsible men and easily find a scapegoat for their being irresponsible by blaming/saying an excuse that "men are created to be polygamous." They are not willing to admit that they are just bullshit. A male workmate of mine who was there also when my female friend talked to me, he said, "It's all back to our own commitment in our own life, especially in our commitment when getting married. I think it is just natural for all of us--men and women--to be attracted to other people who are not our spouse. But, yeah ... only attraction for temporary, then come back to our own commitment with our spouse."
It is obviously seen that this male workmate of mine is willing to imprison himself.
Talking about marriage, well, I am not a marriage hater, just like what some people suspect me. When discussing marriage with my students, I just want to give them a clear description of what a marriage is, the position of man and woman in marriage, with many reasons that make people to decide to marry someone, where the reasons can be different from one person to another.
Talking about prison ... who is willing to be imprisoned by someone else?

Here is an example of traditional clothes in Java island, Indonesia. The picture was taken on my brother's wedding day, March 12, 2005.
From the left to the right, Angie, my daughter, me, my bro, his wife, and two younger sisters of mine.

Where is the consensus that men wear trousers and women wear dresses/skirts from?
Just like in my dwelling place, Java island of Indonesia; the traditional clothes of women and men are made such a way that for women, women still cannot move freely while men still can do that.
I relate it to the old belief in China that beautiful women had small feet.
It made women not be able to move fast and freely.
Men as the dominant part of society made it such a way that women couldn’t move freely. It would make women depend on men to do anything. When a woman is dependent on a man, this man will feel needed, superior, strong, masculine, macho, etc.
Some time ago, I told my students when talking about why girls have skirt for their uniform while boys have trousers, that it was created by men so that when men want to do violence, women cannot run away easily. When men want to rape women, women cannot escape themselves safely. Women cannot go anywhere without the permission of men as the dominant. On the contrary, men go anywhere they want without caring whether their women agree with them. Women’s opinion is really not important coz women are considered as the weaker sex.
My students were shocked when hearing me say so. But they couldnt argue more to me.
10.20 240406

Talking about clothes, many private companies in Indonesia still oblige their female employees to wear skirts or dresses, and not let them wear trousers or pants. One reason for this, “Women are to wear dresses or skirts.” Can I say it as, “Women are created to wear dresses or skirts?” LOL. The uniform for female civil servants is also a skirt plus a blouse. ALWAYS SKIRT. Even policewomen wear skirts too. How could they move as freely and comfortably as their counter partner—policemen?
And as I said before, Indonesian people easily judge other people as abnormal when they don’t conform to society’s norms, such as this trivial thing, wearing dresses or trousers for women. I can conclude it as that women must look feminine—wearing dresses and skirt will make women look feminine. (Perhaps that’s what majority people think.) and if a woman is not feminine, SHE IS NOT NORMAL. And this norm is so strong that many women are not confident to deviate it although in their daily activities (not in formal occasions), many women already wear jeans or pants.
I find out that many women think of what other people say about their appearance very seriously. The principle, “You are what you think...” is not really well-known in Indonesia. People still believe, “You are what other people think about you...” Therefore, people consider society’s norms very seriously, no matter what happens to them. One example. To look feminine and slim, women wear straight and narrow skirts or dresses instead of loose ones. Straight and narrow skirts or dresses here is to make them look slimmer. “If you are a woman, and want to attract guys’ attention, make sure that you are slim.” That’s what many people believe.
To attract people’s—especially the opposite sex—attention, many women torture themselves wearing such skirts or dresses and high-heeled shoes although they don’t really feel comfortable to move. A year ago, a neighbor of mine got an accident while riding a motorcycle. I believe her narrow skirt made her not easy to move, so that when suddenly a big bus passed by close to her quickly and she couldnt keep her balance (coz she couldnt move her legs easily while riding a motorcycle), she fell down. She had to be hospitalized for some weeks coz of that accident. And it’s all caused by that silly obligation-wearing-skirt-for-women and also that woman-must-be-feminine-as-something-normal belief in Indonesia.
In my own workplace, there is also a rule for female employees to wear skirts. Only my female workmates in my department—English Department—wear trousers to the office. I dont give a damn on it. It is related to human rights, I suppose, to wear something as long as it is decent enough to wear in workplaces. I wear long dress coz I feel comfortable with it, not coz I want to obey the rules, LOL, nor to look feminine. Besides, for my dresses, I always choose stretch material and quite loose so that I still can move easily and comfortably.
Employees from other department always see us as rebels. I know that. But, can you imagine what is the relationship between teaching—to improve students’ knowledge—with wearing skirts for female teachers? LOL.
It reminds me of what Charlotte Perkins Gilman said about women’s clothes in the nineteenth century America, “When you can plainy prove to a woman that her dress is unhealthful unbeautiful, immoral, and yet she persists in wearing it, there seems no possible reason but women are fools.” LOL.
Well, perhaps no need as extreme as that. In my opinion, women in Indonesia just don’t feel confident to look different—meaning not look feminine; not confident to be gossiped coz their way of getting dressed that doesn’t follow the norm or the rules in their workplaces. (Can I say that the makers of the rules in those workplaces are fools, and not the women?) Don’t they think that women can still look feminine—well, if this is very important for women to look feminine—although wearing a suit—trousers plus blazer or jacket, and not a skirt/dress plus blazer/jacket/blouse. Until now I don’t get any satisfactory answer why in the rules female employees must wear skirt/dress but saying, “Women are to wear dress/skirt, and not trousers/pants.” Full stop. Not negotiable.
Not intellectual at all, do you agree?D
22.04 230406

Every April 21 Indonesian people celebrate Kartini’s Day. Kartini is one heroine in Indonesia for her struggle for women’s education at the turn of the nineteenth and twentieth centuries. Kartini was one daughter of a so-called mayor in her hometown, living 1879-1904. As one daughter coming from a high social class family, she could enjoy going to elementary school. She was luckier than any other girls around her age who couldnt go to school coz school was very expensive. Besides, going to school was not a common thing yet for those coming from middle-low class society. Moreover girls.
However, Kartini couldnt continue her study to junior high school, with a (now obviously) simlpe reason: because she is ONLY a girl. Absolutely, she felt very discriminated by her parents coz her brothers continued their studies. To respect Javanese culture, of course Kartini obeyed her parents. However, it didnt stop her dream. She continued writing letters to her Dutch friends, confiding in them about her unfavorable situation, especially, and also for other girls generally. During her spare time, before her parents “forced” her to marry their chosen guy, Kartini gathered some girls around her neighborhood to teach them to read and write.
Because of her struggle, Soeharto regime chose her to be one of heroine in Indonesia, and decided April 21, Kartini’s birthday, as Kartini’s Day.
I remember when I was at kindergarten and elementarsy school in 1970s, I used to wear kebaya and jarit to commemorate Kartini’s Day. Kebaya and jarit are traditional Javanese clothes for women. I didnt know why we should do that to commemorate Kartini’s Day. What I knew was everytime I saw Kartini’s picture, she was wearing those traditional clothes. If Kartini were chosen to be heroine of Indonesia for her struggle to give women education, why didnt those teachers of mine have some programs related to educative things, such as writing poems, letters, articles or reading, or painting, or other things instead of wearing those traditional clothes; why did we just copy kartini’s way of getting dressed as if that were what Kartini struggled—girls to wear traditional clothes.
One thing I knew was that I really disliked wearing those clothes because that little active Nana couldnt move freely, nor walk easily either. When I was a little, I often played with boys and played “boys” games, such as flying kites, marbles, climbing trees, climbing roofs, etc. Wearing such clothes that made me difficult to move is of course not my choice.
When I was in secondary school in the beginning till the middle of 1980s, I trickly usually tried to avoid the obligation of wearing those traditional clothes on Kartini’s Day with lots of excuses.
After feminism ideology came to Indonesia and spread in many places, people started to question why celebrating Kartini’s Day is related to wearing those clothes. Ayu Utami, one feminist writer in Indonesia said, “Perhaps we should commemorate Diponegoro’s birthday by wearing sorban and similar clothes Diponegoro used to wear; just like what we usually see in his pictures? LOL.
I dont find many schools oblige their students to wear those traditional clothes on Kartini’s Day these recent few years, especially since the late of 1990s. I am wondering whether people no longer praise Kartini as one heroine and Soeharto no longer reigned Indonesia, or coz people start to realize that wearing those clothes to commemorate Kartini’s Day is not an appropriate way. However, this morning on one local newspaper, I read an article about some private companies asked their female employees to wear those clothes. And some women interviewed said, ”I feel like I am Kartini when wearing these clothes.” Oh well ...
Is it that simple TO BE KARTINI? That is to wear similar clothes what she used to wear, without inheriting her main struggle for women—to give women the same chances as men to pursue study and any career women want?
17.30 230406

HOW MUCH DO YOU LOVE MILK? WHAT KIND OF MILK DO U LOVE?

Where is the buttermilk from? BIG BREASTS
where is the skimmed milk from? SMALL BREASTS
where is the choco milk from? BLACK WOMEN's BREASTS
where is yoghurt from? OLD WOMEN'S BREASTS

"Mbak Nana ya?"
Suara seorang perempuan terdengar dari ujung kabel telepon sebelah sana. Di handphone yang kupegang, tak tertera nomor yang dia pake untuk nelpon. "Unidentified number."
Aku sempat menebak-nebak suara siapakah itu? Apakah dia yang kemarin mengirim email ke aku lewat friendster?
"Aku Sisil mbak, yang kirim email ke mbak Nana lewat friendster beberapa hari yang lalu."
Deg! Nah loh! Bener. Apa yang dia inginkan?
"Langsung aja ya mbak. Aku tahu banget teman mbak di friendster yang bernama Galindra Erlangga. Nama aslinya adalah Mohammad Barkah Suyadi. Nama istrinya Rika. Dan aku Sisil, adalah istri keduanya."
Gubrak!!! Jantungku serasa mau meledak. Istri kedua? Nggak salah nih? Di abad ke-21 gini, masih ada perempuan yang mau jadi istri kedua? Perempuan yang ngaku sebagai well-educated person, yang kuliah S2 nya aja di Canada? Yang tentunya telah dapat banyak insight dari lingkungan barat sana betapa poligami adalah pelecehan terhadap harkat seorang perempuan?
Aku tidak kaget tatkala dia bilang Galindra ato yang ternyata bernama Yadi itu telah beristri. Kebetulan tadi pagi waktu online di YM (setelah sekian bulan, dia menghilang dari dunia mayaku) dia tahu-tahu menyapaku, dengan ID baru. Biasalah. Seorang player atau pecundang selalu ganti-ganti nick ato ID.
Yang membuat aku kaget itu ya, pengakuan si perempuan yang mengaku bernama Sisil itu, bahwa dia adalah istri kedua seorang laki-laki, yang aku yakin sekarang bermata keranjang. Dan si perempuan ini adalah seorang dosen di sebuah universitas terkenal di negeri ini, yang nota bene tentu cerdas, dan tidak bakal mudah termakan omongan orang-orang yang suka memplesetkan ayat-ayat kitab suci.
Poligami??? Oh no ... please deh.
"Mbak, aku tahu mungkin ini adalah karma bagiku. Aku dulu bermain api dengan Yadi tanpa sepengetahuan istri pertamanya, Rika. Dan kemudian aku pun aku mau jadi istri keduanya. Sekarang aku anggap ini adalah karma terhadap Rika. Sekarang aku baru bisa merasakan betapa tidak enaknya dikhianati. Tapi, tolong, kalo bisa, dan belum terlambat, tolong aku mbak, tolong mundur dari kehidupan kami bertiga, aku Yadi dan Rika."
Hatiku terluka. Bukan terluka karena aku diminta mundur dari kehidupan laki-laki yang kukenal sebagai Indra itu. Bukan. Aku terluka betapa di jaman sekarang ini, dimana ideologi feminisme dengan kesetaraan jendernya telah menyebar luas di negeri tercinta ini, masih ada seorang perempuan yang well-educated, yang aku percaya financially secured, merengek kepada perempuan lain (baca AKU) agar aku mau mundur dari laki-laki itu.
BAH. Tadi pagi ketika chatting dengannya, dan dia out of the blue ngaku ke aku bahwa dia sudah merit, aku langsung bilang goodbye ke dia. Aku tak suka dibohongi! Dan sebelum mengakhiri chat itu, aku katakan padanya, "Salam buat Rika. Katakan padanya aku tak akan pernah mengambilmu dari sisinya."
Dan siang ini, istri ke dua laki-laki mata keranjang itu merengek ke aku agar aku mundur dari kehidupan cinta segita mereka.
"Oh well, jangan berpikir gitu deh. Aku dan Indra alias Yadi nggak ada apa-apa kok. Kamu tenang aja. Sekarang aku harus masuk kelas. Gimana kalo kita lanjutin besok aja. Aku akan ke Yogya. Kita ketemu di satu tempat di sana. Oke?" Begitu aku mengakhiri percakapan lewat telpon itu.
Aku sedang berada di bus dalam perjalanan ke rumah salah satu murid privatku. Dan di bus, aku merasa semua roang menguping apa yang aku katakan. Aduh .....
_______________________________________

Dan ketika aku melanjutkan perjalananku, aku tetap belum mampu mendapatkan jawaban apa yang membuat Sisil mau menjadi istri kedua? Dan lebih gilanya lagi, ketika dia tahu suami paruh waktunya itu main api lagi dengan perempuan lain, dia kok mau-maunya merengek ke aku agar aku mundur???
Aduh ... enggak deh kalo punya suami kayak itu.

CATATAN: Nama yang tertulis adalah nama fiksi. Seandainya ada kesamaan dengan nama orang-orang yang ada di dunia nyata, hal ini hanyalah suatu kebetulan belaka.
:D

The story is about a married woman, a mother of a very young child who suffers from a postpartum depression after delivering the baby. She is slowly driven into madness by the patriarchal authorities around her.
Suffering from nervous disorders, she is taken to a solitary mansion, in a remote area, away from her friends and neighbors, by her husband who happens to have the most professional profession in the nineteenth century as a physician. In that era, the most well-known prescription for people suffering from nervous disorders is bed-rest; having inactive life. This prescription is proposed by S Weir Mitchell. Gilman intentionally mentions Mitchell’s name in the novella to show that there is a very strong relationship between her novella and her real experience.
In the solitary mansion, the nameless narrator is put in a room, which formerly was a nursery on the second floor with its barred windows originally intended to prevent small children from falling out. The room is “decorated” with the fateful yellow wallpaper that later on apparently drives her to insanity gradually.
Having nothing to do during her “imprisonment” in the yellow wallpapered room, this intelligent and ambitious woman spent her idle time by writing in her journal a bit, a kind of “work” that is strongly prohibited to do by her husband. Therefore, she has to do it secretly. She has to close her journal as soon as someone comes to her, either her very own husband, or her sister-in-law that obviously gets task to “watch” her.
Increasingly she concentrates her attention on the wallpaper in her room—a paper of a sickly yellow that both disgusts and fascinates her. The paper symbolizes her situation as seen by the men who control her and hence her situation as seen by herself. The wallpaper consists of “lame uncertain curves” that suddenly “commit suicide—destroy themselves in unheard of contradictions.” There are pointless patterns in the paper, which the narrator nevertheless determines to pursue to some conclusion. Fighting for her identity, that just as she is about to find some pattern and meaning in it, it “slaps you in the fact, knocks you down, and tramples upon you.”
Inevitably, therefore, the narrator, imprisoned within the room thinks she discerns the figure of a woman behind the paper. The paper is barred—that is part of what pattern it has, and the woman is trapped behind the bars, trying to get free. Ultimately, in the narrator’s distraught state, there are a great many women behind the patterned bars, all trying to get free.
Being busy to watch the pattern of the wallpaper and the figure of a woman behind it, the narrator seemingly sees herself there. The woman is trapped behind the pattern of the wallpaper, the narrator is trapped inside her barred room on the second floor. Feeling sorry for the woman, the narrator wants to free her by peeling the wallpaper, to give the woman way out of the entrapment. It shows her hidden wish, to free herself from her husband’s imprisonment.
By the end of the story, the narrator can peel all of the wallpaper and free the woman. Her quickly worsening mental inevitably puts her in the woman’s position. After “freeing” herself from the wallpaper, she creeps all the room, to enjoy her “freedom”. “I’ve got out at last, … And I’ve pulled off most of the paper, so you can’t put me back!” (Bauer, 1998:58)

In her short story entitled “The Yellow Wallpaper”, Charlotte Perkins Gilman, a feminist writer from America living from 1860 till 1935 proposed writing to cure mental illness. In the short story, Gilman illustrated the heroine who suffered from postpartum depression was prescribed bed rest by her physician husband. Her husband insisted that she avoid intellectual activities such as reading, writing and painting. This is compatible with what Sandra Gilbert and Susan Gubar said in their book The Madwoman in the Attic that “the activity of writing, or producing art, was fraught with anxiety for most nineteenth-century women.” intellectual activities were believed to enhance the tendency for women to suffer from nervous breakdown in the nineteenth century America.
Since the heroine in the short story was prohibited to write by her husband, although she believed that writing even could help cure her, she had to write secretly, when her husband or her sister-in-law was not around her. Or, when she was writing, and then she saw one of them coming, she had to put her book and pencil aside quickly in order that they wouldn’t find her writing.
Gilman ended the story by leading the heroine into insanity. When this is viewed from Freud’s psychoanalytical theory, we can say that Gilman’s suppressed wish was that women would be led into insanity if they were not allowed to write, to express themselves openly and freely; women would be suffering from nervous breakdown during her entire lifetime when they were not respected as individual and were heard. Not all women in general, of course, but especially bright, articulate, hardworking and ambitious women who didn’t feel enough to have inactive life, without involving their intellectuality.
Diane Price Herndl in her book entitled Invalid Women, Figuring Feminine Illness in American Fiction and culture, 1840-1940 stated that “Gilman was never entirely free of her nervousness, but after becoming an active writer and speaker, she never suffered from it to the same degree as she had earlier.” She escaped from bed-rest medication prescribed by S. Weir Mitchell—the most well-known neurologist in the nineteenth century America when she suffered from postpartum depression after delivering her only child, Katharine. Gilman cured herself from her postpartum depression and nervousness by resuming her intellectual life—writing and lecturing about men-women equality all over America and some countries in Europe.
In the meantime …
I find many people around me underestimating the power of writing. Some months ago one private student of mine, female, in her early forties, told me that it is useless to write, especially write diary. Some female workmates of mine also said the same thing. They argued, “When you are married, your husband is your best friend, your best audience to talk to, to listen to you. Besides, after getting married, you belong to your husband. What if he doesn’t let you write? What if he says that it is better for you to use the time to write diary to be with your husband?”
Don’t they perceive egotism of men in those arguments? An understanding husband will let his wife have some time to be alone, if that’s what his wife needs—let’s say time to write a diary; time to be with her friends. Getting married doesn’t mean that people no longer socialize with their old friends, or even have new friends.
And I believe in writing, people can sharpen their ability in analyzing something; perhaps in some ways it is similar to having oral discussion with someone. However, writing really helps when people want to analyze something when nobody is around.
And I could perceive that in fact in that private student of mine’s case, she needed a trustworthy friend who is not her husband, someone else. She needed a good friend to talk to, to listen to her, that, to me, it could be substituted by a diary. “Writing diary? Count me out. Besides I am not good in writing, I don’t want my husband to read what I write. Don’t you agree with me that sometimes we also have right to have secret? I don’t want my husband to know what I write, just like I don’t want my husband to know what I usually talk to you.”
BINGO!
At last she admitted it; she needed a media to express something she could not express to her husband. Only unfortunately, she couldn’t write. And she didn’t even want to try it. I wish she tried it and found the amazing function of writing in expressing herself.
Another friend said to me that at last she needed to have a friend to discuss anything at home when she found out that in fact she no longer found her husband as a good partner in debate, due to the intellectual gap between them. “Sometimes I am tired to talk to him. He doesn’t understand. He even doesn’t want to try to understand what I am talking about. If he tries to give comment, it just shows that he doesn’t understand the core of the problem.” One day she complained to me. In my opinion, she still can sharpen her ability in having discussion by writing it--by discussing it with herself. This is what I sometimes do in writing some articles for my blog. But she said, “Well, I accept my life like this now. I married my husband coz I love him. He is my own choice.”
I observe that in Indonesia recently blogging has been more and more popular. This is a very good phenomenon, I believe. More and more people will try to write. More and more people want to share what they have in mind with other people via writing. The main obstacle, in my opinion, is that internet connection is still expensive in Indonesia. Not many people can afford to access it everyday. Therefore, since blogging is considered a serious and intellectual thing and many people access internet only to have fun (IN INDONESIA!!!), not many netters use this blogging technology yet. Some students of mine don’t show their interest yet. They say, “I go online to cyber cafes for fun, Ma’am, not to do something serious like that. No.” Some other students say, “Writing? Count me out.”
Well, I hope gradually more people will write after they find the useful function of writing. Just like what I mentioned in the beginning of this article, Charlotte Perkins Gilman and some other female writers in the nineteenth century America found writing as medication for their nervousness.
17.55 16042006

I have one female workmate who likes carrying backpack when going to the office. With she wearing a suit (trousers and a blazer), I believe people will find her look weird. It is widely assumed that when women wear a suit, they are supposed to carry a handbag, and not a backpack. Some students of ours comment on this habit of hers by saying, “She is really funky.” LOL. My workmate’s simple reason is, “Well, with this backpack, I can carry lots of books and many other things too.” It is absolutely logical, isn’t it?
Another workmate of mine who likes wearing a long dress and a blazer, likes wearing sneakers and sometimes I see her carrying backpack too. One day she told me that it was very common for her to find people on the bus look at her big backpack weirdly while she looked feminine with her long dress. I bet those bus passengers thought that my workmate was supposed to carry a handbag. LOL. People who carry backpack mostly wear jeans and a T-shirt; and they don’t go to the office but going hiking or camping. LOL. Some months ago, a student bought her a handbag. My friend commented, “So, you give me this handbag coz you consider it is not appropriate for a female employee like me carrying a backpack or what?” LOL. That particular student didn’t answer, just smiled. In the meantime, some other students commented on her wearing sneakers. (Perhaps on the bus, the passengers didn’t have time to look at her till her feet wearing sneakers. ) “Why does that Ms. X like wearing her child’s sneakers? She doesn’t have high-heeled shoes?” LOL. Well, her simple reason is, “It is really much more comfortable wearing sneakers rather than high-heeled shoes. I can run faster when the situation obliges me to do it.” LOL. Whenever she comes to a new class, and she realizes that the students in that class look at her sneakers weirdly, she says that reason.
Well, this happens in Indonesia where people easily judge other people ABNORMAL only coz they don’t follow society’s norms, including those simple things, such as wearing sneakers or high-heeled shoes, carrying a backpack or a handbag for female employees.
I really like this new generation of women who don’t really give a damn on stereotypical feminine roles for women. Who says that women must be feminine?D
21.53 13042006

A friend of mine has been involved in PRANIC healing for some years.
If you want to know what PRANIC healing is all about, you can visit the following website.

www.pranichealing.com/about.html

At first, she joined one workshop held by it for her own medication coz she has been suffering from poor eyesight since she was in elementary school (she is in her mid thirties now). Wearing glasses only is not enough for her. And she has tried some other alternative medication (e.g. drinking herbs, consuming lots of carrots, nerve massages around her eyes, acupuncture, etc), but they didn’t work on her.
In fact, after joining the workshop, and sometimes attending the clinic for medication and practicing, she involved herself to that clinic, not for her own medication though. She became one volunteer to try healing patients suffering from any kind of illness. One interesting thing she told me is that many women coming to that clinic told her that they were suffering from splitting headache. Those women have consulted their doctors but they couldn’t find out the causes of the headache. The medicine given to them didn’t work well. They also have consulted a sinshe (a sort of traditional physician popularly known in China) and consumed traditional medicine given by the sinshe, and still it didn’t work either.
My friend, trying to find out what caused the headache, asked those women about their daily life. Her suspicion was that they were suffering from mental depression, therefore a general practitioner couldn’t find anything wrong with their body coz they needed to consult a psychiatrist. However, they didn’t want to admit that in fact they were depressed coz in Indonesia when someone consults a psychiatrist, people will easily judge him or her as insane or lunatic. Insanity is believed as a curse illness and someone cannot be healed back like before. Well, this is in Indonesia.
Why women?
I relate it to this male-dominated world with its patriarchal culture. The belief that women are only the Second Sex as Beauvoir stated is still strong so that men feel deserved to oppress women, by saying e.g. “I know this case better than you do. Leave it up to me. You don’t need to do anything in it.” or, “This is man’s stuff. You don’t need to involve yourself in this case.” “I do this because I love you, so you’ve got to understand me. This is for your own sake.”
People are different from one another. Some women perhaps will agree that their husbands love them very dearly when those men say so to them. However, it is also possible that many other women feel forced to understand it. Nevertheless, they cannot do anything because patriarchal culture, and oftentimes legitimated by religion’s teaching, says that women must obey their husbands, must submit themselves to their husbands, must agree when their husbands opine something.
One example happened to my old friend. Some years ago, she visited me and told me about one case that happened between her husband and her, relating to where (in what school) their first child would continue the study. My friend had different idea from her husband. She kept trying to convince him that her choice was better for their son’s future while her husband didn’t agree with her. After some days arguing, my friend at last gave in, when her husband said to her, “You don’t consider me as a man? Why don’t you listen to me?”
What a foolish statement it was. To me it was. YOU ARE A MAN ONLY IF YOUR WIFE LISTENS TO YOU, OBEYS YOU, SUBMIT TO YOU. But, abracadabra … it worked well to silence this old friend of mine!!! “I cannot argue anymore after he said such a thing to me.” she went on telling me.
If this phenomenon happens now and again, it is not impossible if then it will engender the feeling of being oppressed to women. For some women who think that they are indeed the second sex, must give priority to their husband, it will be just okay. For some other women, they will feel differently. However, coz they think that MEN ARE CREATED TO BE SUPERIOR, they cannot do much. They just keep what they think inside their heart/mind and think, “My happiness is not important. What I think is not important.” But in fact, without their awareness it bothers their mind, this case can trigger mental depression, although they don’t want to admit it.
The education given by their parents that the happiness of their husband and children is more important than their own also takes part in increasing the tendency of women to suffer from mental depression. Feeling that they are not important before their husbands and children will make many women underestimate themselves. The feeling being underestimated is similar to the feeling not important. When doing anything for the family, they must put the husband in the first priority, then the children. They are the last. Sometimes those women even don’t have time to comfort or satisfy themselves coz they have to take care of their husband and children. And this is taken for granted.
I want to refer to what Virginia Woolf said in her book A Room of One’s Own that everybody needs some time and some place to be alone, to be themselves, apart from their role as a mother and wife and do anything they want. People indeed need it.
Going back to my friend’s experience in the PRANIC clinic, she told me that she couldn’t convince those female patients that they probably suffered from mental depression. In Indonesia with still very strong gender-biased culture, it is still difficult to tell those (I call it conventional) women that it is okay for them to do anything to comfort themselves, that they need some time to be apart from their daily responsibilities. They also deserve to take some days off to be homemakers.
21.26 13042006

Mengapa laki-laki dianggap NORMAL untuk memiliki nafsu yang tinggi dan berhak mengumbarnya? Kebalikannya mengapa perempuan diyakini seolah-olah tidak memiliki nafsu? Atau kalau pun memiliki, mengapa perempuan harus selalu menahan nafsunya sekuat tenaga?
Semua KONON berasal dari kejatuhan Adam dan Hawa ke dunia fana ini. Adam dan Hawa yang sedang enak-enaknya hidup di surga yang konon dipenuhi dengan segala hal-hal yang enak-enak, sehingga mereka berdua tak perlu kekurangan suatu apa tahu-tahu harus terlempar ke bumi yang fana ini, yang mengharuskan mereka berdua bekerja keras untuk bisa bertahan hidup. Kejatuhan Adam dan Hawa ini konon disebabkan oleh bujuk rayu setan kepada Hawa untuk makan buah khuldi (well, dalam cerita di Al-Quran, begitulah nama buah itu disebut). Setan berhasil membujuk Hawa, dan kemudian Hawa berhasil membujuk Adam.
Konon Tuhan sangat marah yang kemudian melemparkan mereka ke bumi. Sebagai tambahan hukuman kepada Hawa, sang penggoda, Tuhan memberi dua macam hukuman kepada Hawa, yakni, Hawa akan merasakan kesakitan tatkala melalui fase-fase tertentu dalam hidupnya, untuk menunjukkan kekedewasaannya dan perempuan HARUS mampu menahan hawa nafsunya (terbukti Hawa telah gagal menahan hawa nafsunya dan tergoda rayuan setan.)
Begitulah. Hawa kemudian diwakili oleh seluruh perempuan yang ada di muka bumi ini. Fase pertama seorang perempuan beranjak ke akil balik adalah menstruasi. Pengalaman pertama mengalami menstruasi bagi seorang perempuan adalah pengalaman yang tidak menyenangkan, penuh kebingungan tatkala tiba-tiba darah keluar dari bagian tertentu tubuhnya, disertai dengan sakit perut, yang kadang bagi sebagian perempuan sakitnya tak tertahankan, ketidaknyamanan secara fisik dan psikis pun melanda.
Fase kedua adalah tatkala melakukan hubungan seks yang pertama. Konon semua perempuan akan mengalami kesakitan yang luar biasa ketika ada satu benda tumpul dipaksa untuk memasuki lubang vaginanya. (Bayangin aja, sekian puluh tahun lubang itu tertutup rapi, bahkan mungkin tak bercelah, dan tiba-tiba ada benda asing memasukinya secara paksa. Jelas sakit!)
Fase ketiga adalah tatkala melahirkan. Tak ada satu pun perempuan yang tidak mengeluh kesakitan ketika dia melahirkan secara alami, bukan lewat operasi caesar.
“Hukuman“ yang kedua adalah bahwa perempuan HARUS selalu menahan hawa nafsunya, seberapa pun inginnya dia melakukan hubungan seks. Perempuan yang tidak dapat menahan hawa nafsu, akan diberi “label” perempuan murahan, bitch, bukan perempuan baik-baik dan lain lain yang sama sekali tidak mengenakkan telinga.
Kebalikan dari hukuman yang ditimpakan kepada Hawa, Adam diberi “hadiah”. Tatkala memasuki fase kehidupan akil balik, seorang laki-laki akan bermimpi basah. Dan katanya, sekali lagi, katanya, (karena aku sendiri tidak mengalaminya, LOL) mimpi basah itu uenak. LOL. Demikian juga tatkala melakukan hubungan seks yang pertama; perempuan merasakan kesakitan, laki-laki, enak-enak aja. (Bener nggak yah? LOL. Someone out there, a guy, tell me please??? LOL.)
Hadiah berikutnya, jika perempuan HARUS menahan hawa nafsunya, laki-laki BOLEH mengumbarnya kapan saja mereka menginginkannya. Bahkan jika laki-laki mampu menunjukkan kemampuannya mengumbar hawa nafsunya, dia akan diberi “label” jagoan, perkasa, dll yang memuakkan itu. (well, bagiku, MEMUAKKAN)
MITOS inilah yang melatarbelakangi bahwa laki-laki memang diciptakan dengan memiliki hawa nafsu yang tinggi sedangkan perempuan rendah. Karena hawa nafsu yang tinggi ini, kemudian akan dimaklumi jika mereka selalu memandang perempuan sebagai objek seks dan kemudian mengumbar nafsunya di mana pun mereka berada. Perempuan yang memang sudah terbiasa menahan hawa nafsunya dengan sekuat tenaga, mereka menjadi merasa memang tidak memiliki hawa nafsu setinggi laki-laki, selain juga keengganan untuk dicap sebagai bitch, perempuan murahan.
Tatkala mulai muncul gigolo, PSK laki-laki, di pertengahan abad 20, hal ini menunjukkan bahwa sebenanrnya perempuan pun memiliki nafsu yang tinggi, sama tingginya dengan laki-laki, kalo mereka mau mengakui. Hal ini bisa diinterpretasikan sebagai, jika perempuan yang memiliki hawa nafsu sama tingginya dengan laki-laki bisa menahan nafsunya, dan tidak menganggap laki-laki sebagai objek seks, SEHARUSNYA laki-laki pun mampu menahan nafsunya, sehingga tidak perlu terjadi pelecehan seksual kepada perempuan YANG TIDAK MENYEDIAKAN DIRINYA UNTUK DILECEHKAN. Jika semua laki-laki bisa menahan nafsu, dan menjaga otaknya dari pikiran kotor, tak perlu lagi ada RUU APP yang hanya menempatkan perempuan sebagai kriminal hanya gara-gara berpakaian yang DIANGGAP VULGAR.
Kembali ke dongeng Adam dan Hawa. Konon Hawa diciptakan sebagai manusia yang kedua. Dalam buku yang berjudul “Setara di hadapan Allah”, Riffat Hassan dan Fatima Mernissi mementahkan interpretasi bahwa Hawa adalah manusia yang diambilkan dari rusuk Adam. Bagi yang tertarik untuk mempelajarinya, cari aja bukunya di toko buku. LOL. Atau cari aja di internet versi bahasa Inggrisnya.
Seorang teman yang beragama Kristiani mementahkan mengapa Hawa yang disalahkan dengan kejatuhan nenek moyang kita itu ke bumi dengan mengatakan, bahwa Hawa, sebagai seseorang yang berfungsi sebagai pelengkap, teman, pembantu bagi Adam, tentu memiliki tingkat intelektualitas yang sama tingginya dengan Adam, atau bisa jadi lebih tinggi. Hal ini untuk mementahkan kepercayaan bahwa laki-laki kedudukannya lebih tinggi dari pada perempuan (ciptaan yang kedua tentu lebih sempurna dibanding yang pertama, lelucon kanak-kanak mengatakan begitu. LOL.) Adam seharusnya mampu menggunakan intelektualitasnya untuk menolak bujukan Hawa. Kesalahan ada pada Adam yang tidak menggunakan kemampuan berpikirnya, dan kemudian memakan buah terlarang itu.

Nana menerima masukan, komentar, dan kritikan dari sidang pembaca, LOL., dengan senang hati.
PEACE
17.03 09042006